I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.
Still funny.
Tag: #food
Browse jokes in this category.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
Still funny.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo.
It was great. She's a keeper.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.
Still funny.
Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
Still funny.
I knew i shouldn't have ate that seafood.
Because now i'm feeling a little… Eel
Why are basketball players messy eaters?
Because they are always dribbling.
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!
People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.
Still funny.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Still funny.
A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work.
They charged him with emBEEzlement
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...
Still funny.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?
" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
How do robots eat guacamole?
With computer chips.
The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
People are shocked to discover I have a police record but I love their greatest hits!
Still funny.
A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
Still funny.
Where do young cows eat lunch?
In the calf-ateria.
Why does Superman get invited to dinners?
Because he is a Supperhero.
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher
Still funny.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Still funny.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can't control their pupils.
How do you teach a kid to climb stairs?
There is a step by step guide.
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor.
That's sage advice.
Why did the cookie cry?
It was feeling crumby.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
Where do hamburgers go to dance?
The meat-ball.
Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.
Still funny.
Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged.
Still funny.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?
' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'
How do you steal a coat?
You jacket.
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have nobody to go with.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATH!!
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
I'll ketch up
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
Some people eat light bulbs.
They say it's a nice light snack.
What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
Ketchup.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Still funny.
I won an argument with a weather forecaster once.
His logic was cloudy...
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Still funny.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.
Why did the student eat his homework?
Because the teacher said it was a piece of cake.