"Dad, I'm hungry." Hello, Hungry.
I'm Dad.
Tag: #family
Browse jokes in this category.
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.
Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They're making headlines!
What do you call a gorilla wearing headphones?
Anything you'd like, it can't hear you.
What did the calculator say to the student?
You can count on me.
I met this girl on a dating site and, I don't know, we just clicked.
Still funny.
What do you call a guy lying on your doorstep?
Matt.
I have the heart of a lion...
and a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
I'm practicing for a bug-eating contest and I've got butterflies in my stomach.
Still funny.
Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
Because it takes them a long time to swallow their pride.
Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers?
They say he made a mint.
What's the difference between a poorly dressed man on a tricycle and a well dressed man on a bicycle?
Attire.
I really want to buy one of those supermarket checkout dividers, but the cashier keeps putting it back.
Still funny.
A horse walks into a bar.
The bar tender says "Hey." The horse says "Sure."
Two guys walked into a bar, the third one ducked.
Still funny.
What kind of pants do ghosts wear?
Boo jeans.
What do you call a beehive without the b's?
An eehive.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
The food is great, but there's just no atmosphere.
A butcher accidentally backed into his meat grinder and got a little behind in his work that day.
Still funny.
How did the hipster burn the roof of his mouth?
He ate the pizza before it was cool.
How do locomotives know where they're going?
Lots of training
Doctor you've got to help me, I'm addicted to Twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
*Reversing the car* "Ah, this takes me back"
Still funny.
What is red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint!
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
To the guy who invented zero...
thanks for nothing.
How do the trees get on the internet?
They log on.
Why do bees have sticky hair?
Because they use honey combs!
Did you know you should always take an extra pair of pants golfing?
Just in case you get a hole in one.
I am terrified of elevators.
I'm going to start taking steps to avoid them.
I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
Still funny.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school?
Bison.
If you think swimming with dolphins is expensive, you should try swimming with sharks--it cost me an arm and a leg!
Still funny.
I started a new business making yachts in my attic this year...the sails are going through the roof
Still funny.
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water?
Because he was a little horse!
What animal is always at a game of cricket?
A bat.
Did you hear about the runner who was criticized?
He just took it in stride
How does Darth Vader like his toast?
On the dark side.
Why didn't the orange win the race?
It ran out of juice.
I'm on a whiskey diet.
I've lost three days already.
Dad died because he couldn't remember his blood type.
I will never forget his last words. Be positive.
Camping is intense.
Still funny.
How come a man driving a train got struck by lightning?
He was a good conductor.
Do you want a brief explanation of what an acorn is?
In a nutshell, it's an oak tree.
My new thesaurus is terrible.
In fact, it's so bad, I'd say it's terrible.
What type of music do balloons hate?
Pop music!
What's the worst thing about ancient history class?
The teachers tend to Babylon.
For Valentine's day, I decided to get my wife some beads for an abacus.
It's the little things that count.
My sea sickness comes in waves.
Still funny.
If two vegans are having an argument, is it still considered beef?
Still funny.
What do you call a pig that knows karate?
A pork chop!
Want to hear a chimney joke?
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Why did Sweden start painting barcodes on the sides of their battleships?
So they could Scandinavian.
Why was Santa's little helper feeling depressed?
Because he has low elf esteem.
The invention of the wheel was what got things rolling
Still funny.
What biscuit does a short person like?
Shortbread.
Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.
It means a lot.
What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
What did celery say when he broke up with his girlfriend?
She wasn't right for me, so I really don't carrot all.
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An in-vest-igator!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet.
He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they're so good at it.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo.
It was great. She's a keeper.
Why was the broom late for the meeting?
He overswept.
Shout out to my grandma, that's the only way she can hear.
Still funny.
What kind of music do planets listen to?
Nep-tunes.
What do Alexander the Great and Winnie the Pooh have in common?
Same middle name.
So, I heard this pun about cows, but it's kinda offensive so I won't say it.
I don't want there to be any beef between us.
My dentist is the best, he even has a little plaque!
Still funny.
I asked a frenchman if he played video games.
He said "Wii"
Why is there always a gate around cemeteries?
Because people are always dying to get in.
"Hey, dad, did you get a haircut?
" "No, I got them all cut."
At the boxing match, the dad got into the popcorn line and the line for hot dogs, but he wanted to stay out of the punchline.
Still funny.
How can you tell a vampire has a cold?
They start coffin.
Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject.
Now you can talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.
I burned 2000 calories today, I left my food in the oven for too long.
Still funny.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
Nice belt.
What did the grape do when he got stepped on?
He let out a little wine.
Want to hear my pizza joke?
Never mind, it's too cheesy.
A cannibal is someone who is fed up with people.
Still funny.
What is a vampire's favorite fruit?
A blood orange.
What cheese can never be yours?
Nacho cheese.
Wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing it...
We had some drinks, cool guy, wants to be a web developer.
Why did the belt go to prison?
He held up a pair of pants!
What did the shy pebble wish for?
That she was a little boulder.
It doesn't matter how much you push the envelope.
It will still be stationary.
A man tried to sell me a coffin today.
I told him that's the last thing I need.
When do doctors get angry?
When they run out of patients.
Why do fish live in salt water?
Because pepper makes them sneeze!
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
The best time on a clock is 6:
30--hands down.
Parallel lines have so much in common.
It's a shame they'll never meet.
Why don't seagulls fly over the bay?
Because then they'd be bay-gulls!
The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.
Still funny.
I just wrote a book on reverse psychology.
Do not read it!
There's a new type of broom out, it's sweeping the nation.
Still funny.
I used to work for an origami company but they folded.
Still funny.
What do you call a duck that gets all A's?
A wise quacker.
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A stick.
What do you call an eagle who can play the piano?
Talonted!
What do you call a nervous javelin thrower?
Shakespeare.
What do you call a cow on a trampoline?
A milk shake!
A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.
Still funny.
Some people say that comedians who tell one too many light bulb jokes soon burn out, but they don't know watt they are talking about.
They're not that bright.
Where does batman go to the bathroom?
The batroom.
I adopted my dog from a blacksmith.
As soon as we got home he made a bolt for the door.
I had a rough day, and then somebody went and ripped the front and back pages from my dictionary.
It just goes from bad to worse.
My friend said to me:
"What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
What are the strongest days of the week?
Saturday and Sunday...the rest are weekdays.
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a total rip-off.
I am so good at sleeping I can do it with my eyes closed!
Still funny.
You can't trust a ladder.
It will always let you down
"What time is it?
" I don't know... it keeps changing.
What did the judge say to the dentist?
Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth?
What did the doctor say to the gingerbread man who broke his leg?
Try icing it.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight?
Because it was well armed.
Why did the barber win the race?
He took a short cut.
I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anesthetic, they said:
go ahead, knock yourself out.
I hate perforated lines, they're tearable.
Still funny.
Did you know Albert Einstein was a real person?
All this time, I thought he was just a theoretical physicist!
Have you heard about the film "Constipation", you probably haven't because it's not out yet.
Still funny.
Why are skeletons so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
Without geometry life is pointless.
Still funny.
What's black and white and read all over?
The newspaper.
My boss told me that he was going to fire the person with the worst posture.
I have a hunch, it might be me.
Did you hear about the bread factory burning down?
They say the business is toast.
Past, present, and future walked into a bar....
It was tense.
I knew i shouldn't have ate that seafood.
Because now i'm feeling a little… Eel
Why do mathematicians hate the U.S.?
Because it's indivisible.
Why are basketball players messy eaters?
Because they are always dribbling.
My wife is on a tropical fruit diet, the house is full of stuff.
It is enough to make a mango crazy.
Did you hear that David lost his ID in prague?
Now we just have to call him Dav.
Why did the m&m go to school?
Because it wanted to be a Smartie!
Why didn't the number 4 get into the nightclub?
Because he is 2 square.
What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
Did you hear the news?
FedEx and UPS are merging. They're going to go by the name Fed-Up from now on.
I gave all my dead batteries away today, free of charge.
Still funny.
Someone asked me to name two structures that hold water.
I said "Well dam"
What did the ocean say to the shore?
Nothing, it just waved.
I tried taking some high resolution photos of local farmland, but they all turned out a bit grainy.
Still funny.
What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
Roberto
How do you get two whales in a car?
Start in England and drive West.
Dad, can you put my shoes on?
I don't think they'll fit me.
I couldn't get a reservation at the library.
They were completely booked.
Why did the worker get fired from the orange juice factory?
Lack of concentration.
How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in schools!
A termite walks into a bar and asks "Is the bar tender here?"
Still funny.
Feeling pretty proud of myself.
The Sesame Street puzzle I bought said 3-5 years, but I finished it in 18 months.
Someone asked me, what's the ninth letter of the alphabet?
It was a complete guess, but I was right.
Why do wizards clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath!
You know what they say about cliffhangers...
Still funny.
A ghost walks into a bar and asks for a glass of vodka but the bar tender says, "sorry we don't serve spirits"
Still funny.
What did the Dorito farmer say to the other Dorito farmer?
Cool Ranch!
I think circles are pointless.
Still funny.
What's the difference between a seal and a sea lion?
An ion!
How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?
He felt his presents.
Sore throats are a pain in the neck!
Still funny.
People who don't eat gluten are really going against the grain.
Still funny.
What has ears but cannot hear?
A field of corn.
How does a scientist freshen their breath?
With experi-mints!
I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
Still funny.
I broke my finger at work today, on the other hand I'm completely fine.
Still funny.
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg?
" Because every play has a cast.
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home...
Doctor you've got you help me, I'm addicted to twitter.
Doctor: I don't follow you.
A dad washes his car with his son.
But after a while, the son says, "why can't you just use a sponge?"
I had a dream that I was a muffler last night.
I woke up exhausted!
I dreamed about drowning in an ocean made out of orange soda last night.
It took me a while to work out it was just a Fanta sea.
Why did the burglar hang his mugshot on the wall?
To prove that he was framed!
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don't think it's feline well.
Still funny.
When Dad drops a pea off of his plate 'oh dear I've pee'd on the table!
Still funny.
Why did the chicken get a penalty?
For fowl play.
I used to work for a soft drink can crusher.
It was soda pressing.
I heard there was a new store called Moderation.
They have everything there
A beekeeper was indicted after he confessed to years of stealing at work.
They charged him with emBEEzlement
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A Brick.
How do you fix a broken pizza?
With tomato paste.
What do you call cheese by itself?
Provolone.
Did you hear about the cheese who saved the world?
It was Legend-dairy!
The great thing about stationery shops is they're always in the same place...
Still funny.
If you're struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas.
Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
What don't watermelons get married?
Because they cantaloupe.
The other day I was listening to a song about superglue, it's been stuck in my head ever since.
Still funny.
Sgt.: Commissar!
Commissar! The troops are revolting! Commissar: Well, you're pretty repulsive yourself.
How do you make a hankie dance?
Put a little boogie in it.
What do you call a pig with three eyes?
Piiig
Why do crabs never give to charity?
Because they're shellfish.
What has a bed that you can't sleep in?
A river.
What's brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung!
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?
" and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.
A Skeleton walked into a bar he said I need a beer and a mop
Still funny.
How do robots eat guacamole?
With computer chips.
I made a playlist for hiking.
It has music from Peanuts, The Cranberries, and Eminem. I call it my Trail Mix.
Why did the house go to the doctor?
It was having window panes.
Did you hear about the chameleon who couldn't change color?
They had a reptile dysfunction.
I saw my husband trip and fall while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
Why do pirates not know the alphabet?
They always get stuck at "C".
How do you get a baby alien to sleep?
You rocket.
To the person who stole my anti-depressant pills:
I hope you're happy now.
The biggest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from eating too much pi.
Did you hear about the submarine industry?
It really took a dive...
Hostess: Do you have a preference of where you sit?
Dad: Down.
Don't buy flowers at a monastery.
Because only you can prevent florist friars.
What does an angry pepper do?
It gets jalapeño face.
They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian – they're not laughing now.
Still funny.
A man is washing the car with his son.
The son asks...... "Dad, can't you just use a sponge?"
How do you make holy water?
You boil the hell out of it.
How do you organize a space party?
You planet.
Today a girl said she recognized me from vegetarian club, but I'm sure I've never met herbivore.
Still funny.
People are shocked to discover I have a police record but I love their greatest hits!
Still funny.
I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.
I'm just doing it for kicks.
I thought about going on an all-almond diet.
But that's just nuts.
What do you get hanging from Apple trees?
Sore arms.
A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
Still funny.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A Carrot.
Got a new suit recently made entirely of living plants.
I wasn't sure at first, but it's grown on me
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
What kind of award did the dentist receive?
A little plaque.
We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the Minneapolis?
Still funny.
What's E.T. short for?
He's only got little legs.
What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.
Why was the big cat disqualified from the race?
Because it was a cheetah.
How does a French skeleton say hello?
Bone-jour.
I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
Still funny.
Where do young cows eat lunch?
In the calf-ateria.
I got fired from the transmission factor, turns out I didn't put on enough shifts...
Still funny.
I got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.
Still funny.
Two silk worms had a race.
They ended up in a tie.
Where did Captain Hook get his hook?
From a second hand store.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France?
They were cooked in Greece.
A man walked in to a bar with some asphalt on his arm.
He said "Two beers please, one for me and one for the road."
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
Towels
A man got hit in the head with a can of Coke, but he was alright because it was a soft drink.
Still funny.
Why is no one friends with Dracula?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
Why does Superman get invited to dinners?
Because he is a Supperhero.
An apple a day keeps the bullies away.
If you throw it hard enough.
Americans can't switch from pounds to kilograms overnight.
That would cause mass confusion.
Why did the scarecrow win an award?
Because he was outstanding in his field.
My New Years resolution is to stop leaving things so late.
Still funny.
Why does Waldo only wear stripes?
Because he doesn't want to be spotted.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink.
Now I'm in hospital, waiting to be seen.
What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?
Damn!
I got an A on my origami assignment when I turned my paper into my teacher
Still funny.
Why is it a bad idea to iron your four-leaf clover?
Cause you shouldn't press your luck.
It's been months since I bought the book "how to scam people online".
It still hasn't turned up.
A man walks into a bar and orders helicopter flavor chips.
The barman replies "sorry mate we only do plain"
I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
Still funny.
This is my step ladder.
I never knew my real ladder.
I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted.
When I opened it, all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
Two fish are in a tank, one turns to the other and says, "how do you drive this thing?"
Still funny.
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don't work.
Where do rabbits go after they get married?
On a bunny-moon.
What's the best thing about elevator jokes?
They work on so many levels.
What do you call a droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.
The word queue is ironic.
It's just q with a bunch of silent letters waiting in line.
What do you call a fake noodle?
An impasta.
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator?
You will see one later and one in a while.
A doll was recently found dead in a rice paddy.
It's the only known instance of a nick nack paddy wack.
What do you call your friend who stands in a hole?
Phil.
I've deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.
Now it's Hans free.
What do you call a bear with no teeth?
A gummy bear!
Where does astronauts hangout after work?
At the spacebar.
I was shocked when I was diagnosed as colorblind...
It came out of the purple.
Did you hear about the cow who jumped over the barbed wire fence?
It was udder destruction.
There's not really any training for garbagemen.
They just pick things up as they go.
How many optometrists does it take to change a light bulb?
1 or 2? 1... or 2?
Ever wondered why bees hum?
It's because they don't know the words.
I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
I'll let you know.
How many seconds are in a year?
12. January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd, April 2nd.... etc
Who did the wizard marry?
His ghoul-friend
My friend keeps telling me "Cheer up.
You aren't stuck in a deep hole in the ground, filled with water." I know he means well.
What is the hardest part about sky diving?
The ground.
Why did the cowboy have a weiner dog?
Somebody told him to get a long little doggy.
"I'm sorry." "Hi sorry, I'm dad"
Still funny.
What do vegetarian zombies eat?
Grrrrrainnnnnssss.
What is worse then finding a worm in your Apple?
Finding half a worm in your Apple.
Can I watch the TV?
Dad: Yes, but don't turn it on.
Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?
He had loco motives
What do you call a fish wearing a bowtie?
Sofishticated.
Pie is $2.50 in Jamaica and $3.00 in The Bahamas.
These are the pie-rates of the Caribbean.
You know that cemetery up the road?
People are dying to get in there.
What is a tornado's favorite game to play?
Twister!
I bought shoes from a drug dealer once.
I don't know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day.
What do I look like?
A JOKE MACHINE!?
What does a clock do when it's hungry?
It goes back four seconds!
Why do ducks make great detectives?
They always quack the case.
I decided to sell my Hoover… well it was just collecting dust.
Still funny.
Why did the man put his money in the freezer?
He wanted cold hard cash!
Why did the feline fail the lie detector test?
Because he be lion.
Why is the ocean always blue?
Because the shore never waves back.
The first time I got a universal remote control I thought to myself, "This changes everything"
Still funny.
Q: What did the spaghetti say to the other spaghetti?
A: Pasta la vista, baby!
R.I.P.
boiled water. You will be mist.
I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.
Still funny.
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop.
It was sole destroying.
I used to work at a stationery store.
But, I didn't feel like I was going anywhere. So, I got a job at a travel agency. Now, I know I'll be going places.
I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
Still funny.
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?
They will give you a piece of your mind.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
The urge to sing the Lion King song is just a whim away.
Still funny.
I was at the library and asked if they have any books on "paranoia", the librarian replied, "yes, they are right behind you"
Still funny.
Why does Han Solo like gum?
It's chewy!
Geology rocks, but Geography is where it's at!
Still funny.
People saying 'boo!
to their friends has risen by 85% in the last year.... That's a frightening statistic.
What did Michael Jackson name his denim store?
Billy Jeans!
I was in an 80's band called the prevention.
We were better than the cure.
What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?
An Orca-stra.
How do you make Lady Gaga cry?
Poker face.
When you have a bladder infection, urine trouble.
Still funny.
Where do you take someone who has been injured in a Peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
If you want a job in the moisturizer industry, the best advice I can give is to apply daily.
Still funny.
What do you do when you see a space man?
Park your car, man.
Why does it take longer to get from 1st to 2nd base, than it does to get from 2nd to 3rd base?
Because there's a Shortstop in between!
Every machine in the coin factory broke down all of a sudden without explanation.
It just doesn't make any cents.
Why are ghosts bad liars?
Because you can see right through them!
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Still funny.
Why was the strawberry sad?
Its parents were in a jam.
The Swiss must've been pretty confident in their chances of victory if they included a corkscrew in their army knife.
Still funny.
I was going to learn how to juggle, but I didn't have the balls.
Still funny.
Mountains aren't just funny, they are hill areas
Still funny.
Why did the coffee file a police report?
It got mugged.
Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo trophy.
How low can you go?
What do you call a fashionable lawn statue with an excellent sense of rhythmn?
A metro-gnome
What's the worst part about being a cross-eyed teacher?
They can't control their pupils.
Where do owls go to buy their baby clothes?
The owlet malls.
Why does Norway have barcodes on their battleships?
So when they get back to port, they can Scandinavian.
How do you teach a kid to climb stairs?
There is a step by step guide.
How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?
Your head hits the ceiling!
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
The p is silent.
What is bread's favorite number?
Leaven.
What do you call a group of disorganized cats?
A cat-tastrophe.
What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
Whats a penguins favorite relative?
Aunt Arctica.
Bought a new jacket suit the other day and it burst into flames.
Well, it was a blazer
Why did the opera singer go sailing?
They wanted to hit the high Cs.
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me.
I thought it was a nice jester.
Why did the A go to the bathroom and come out as an E?
Because he had a vowel movement.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey!
Don't tell secrets in corn fields.
Too many ears around.
How does a dyslexic poet write?
Inverse.
Where does Fonzie like to go for lunch?
Chick-Fil-Eyyyyyyyy.
Why are pirates called pirates?
Because they arrr!
What is this movie about?
It is about 2 hours long.
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded in France?
There was nothing left but de Brie.
How does a penguin build it's house?
Igloos it together.
I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette in a cage.
It was bread in captivity.
What time did the man go to the dentist?
Tooth hurt-y.
How are false teeth like stars?
They come out at night!
Ben & Jerry's really need to improve their operation.
The only way to get there is down a rocky road.
A man was caught stealing in a supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of a couple of vampires.
He was charged with shoplifting on two counts.
My wife told me to rub the herbs on the meat for better flavor.
That's sage advice.
Why do scuba divers fall backwards into the water?
Because if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat.
Milk is also the fastest liquid on earth – its pasteurized before you even see it
Still funny.
Is the pool safe for diving?
It deep ends.
I been watching a channel on TV that is strictly just about origami — of course it is paper-view.
Still funny.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra.
Still funny.
I ate a clock yesterday.
It was so time consuming.
My dog used to chase people on a bike a lot.
It got so bad I had to take his bike away.
Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.
They decided to call it a day.
What does a pirate pay for his corn?
A buccaneer!
Why can't a bicycle stand on its own?
It's two-tired.
I used to be a banker, but I lost interest.
Still funny.
What do you call a fat psychic?
A four-chin teller.
What do you call a criminal going down the stairs?
Condescending
What do you call a girl between two posts?
Annette.
What do you call someone with no nose?
Nobody knows.
In the news a courtroom artist was arrested today, I'm not surprised, he always seemed sketchy.
Still funny.
I wanted to be a tailor but I didn't suit the job
Still funny.
Why did the fireman wear red, white, and blue suspenders?
To hold his pants up.
There are two types of people in this world, those who can extrapolate from incomplete data...
Still funny.
Did you know crocodiles could grow up to 15 feet?
But most just have 4.
What do you do when your bunny gets wet?
You get your hare dryer.
What was a more important invention than the first telephone?
The second one.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite.
Nurse: Doctor, there's a patient that says he's invisible.
Doctor: Well, tell him I can't see him right now!
Where do you learn to make banana splits?
At sundae school.
How do you make a 'one' disappear?
You add a 'g' and it's 'gone'
Me and my mates are in a band called Duvet.
We're a cover band.
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
"HDMI"
Why did the cookie cry?
It was feeling crumby.
When I left school, I passed every one of my exams with the exception of Greek Mythology.
It always was my achilles elbow
What's the advantage of living in Switzerland?
Well, the flag is a big plus.
No matter how kind you are, German children are kinder.
Still funny.
When my wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo, I had to put my foot down.
Still funny.
Why is the new Kindle screen textured to look like paper?
So you feel write at home.
Where do cats write notes?
Scratch Paper!
What did the hat say to the scarf?
You can hang around. I'll just go on ahead.
Why did the miner get fired from his job?
He took it for granite...
Our wedding was so beautiful, even the cake was in tiers.
Still funny.
Where do sheep go to get their hair cut?
The baa-baa shop.
How many hipsters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Oh, it's a really obscure number. You've probably never heard of it.
As I get older, I think of all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't such a good idea.
Where do you take someone who's been injured in a peek-a-boo accident?
To the I.C.U.
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a skunk?
A fowl smell!
The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn't talking to me.
I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.
Still funny.
I fear for the calendar, its days are numbered.
Still funny.
What happens to a frog's car when it breaks down?
It gets toad.
Every morning when I go out, I get hit by bicycle.
Every morning! It's a vicious cycle.
Have you heard the rumor going around about butter?
Never mind, I shouldn't spread it.
Velcro… What a rip-off.
Still funny.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not sure.
Still funny.
What do birds give out on Halloween?
Tweets.
What is the least spoken language in the world?
Sign Language
Yesterday I confused the words "jacuzzi" and "yakuza".
Now I'm in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Why did the melons plan a big wedding?
Because they cantaloupe!
What do you call a fly without wings?
A walk.
What did the ocean say to the beach?
Thanks for all the sediment.
What did the Red light say to the Green light?
Don't look at me I'm changing!
I saw a documentary on TV last night about how they put ships together.
It was rivetting.
Did you hear about the campsite that got visited by Bigfoot?
It got in tents.
Did you hear the one about the guy with the broken hearing aid?
Neither did he.
How was the snow globe feeling after the storm?
A little shaken.
What did the digital clock say to the grandfather clock?
Look, no hands!
A weasel walks into a bar. The bartender says, "Wow, I've never served a weasel before. What can I get for you?
" "Pop," goes the weasel.
Why did the clown have neck pain?
- Because he slept funny
What did the Zen Buddist say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool.
I gave him a glass of water.
Don't interrupt someone working intently on a puzzle.
Chances are, you'll hear some crosswords.
Two peanuts were walking down the street.
One was a salted
What's the difference between an African elephant and an Indian elephant?
About 5000 miles.
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom!
"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."
Still funny.
I've started telling everyone about the benefits of eating dried grapes.
It's all about raisin awareness.
A panda walks into a bar and says to the bartender "I'll have a Scotch and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Coke thank you". "Sure thing" the bartender replies and asks "but what's with the big pause?
" The panda holds up his hands and says "I was born with them"
Why is it so windy inside an arena?
All those fans.
What did the sea say to the sand?
"We have to stop meeting like this."
Writing with a broken pencil is pointless.
Still funny.
This morning I was wondering where the sun was, but then it dawned on me.
Still funny.
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
What did the scarf say to the hat?
You go on ahead, I am going to hang around a bit longer.
Why are fish easy to weigh?
Because they have their own scales.
Remember, the best angle to approach a problem from is the "try" angle.
Still funny.
Which side of the chicken has more feathers?
The outside.
What do you call a crowd of chess players bragging about their wins in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.
What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
Spelling!
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
Still funny.
Egyptians claimed to invent the guitar, but they were such lyres.
Still funny.
So a duck walks into a pharmacy and says "Give me some chap-stick… and put it on my bill"
Still funny.
Can February march?
No, but April may.
I've just written a song about a tortilla.
Well, it is more of a rap really.
A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
How many bones are in the human hand?
A handful of them.
Breaking news!
Energizer Bunny arrested – charged with battery.
Did you hear the one about the giant pickle?
He was kind of a big dill.
New atoms frequently lose electrons when they fail to keep an ion them.
Still funny.
Why did the teddy bear say "no" to dessert?
Because she was stuffed.
"I'll call you later." Don't call me later, call me Dad.
Still funny.
Why does a chicken coop only have two doors?
Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.
Why was the shirt happy to hang around the tank top?
Because it was armless
Why do nurses carry around red crayons?
Sometimes they need to draw blood.
A boy dug three holes in the yard.
When his mother saw, she exclaimed: "well, well, well"
I knew a guy who collected candy canes, they were all in mint condition
Still funny.
I applied to be a doorman but didn't get the job due to lack of experience.
That surprised me, I thought it was an entry level position.
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with a water hose?
Hare spray.
Why was ten scared of seven?
Because seven ate nine.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Why do pumpkins sit on people's porches?
They have no hands to knock on the door.
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker.
But when I got home, all the signs were there.
What did the big flower say to the littler flower?
Hi, bud!
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef.
I invented a new word!
Plagiarism!
Did you know that ghosts call their true love their ghoul-friend?
Still funny.
Where do hamburgers go to dance?
The meat-ball.
How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?
Let's go ride bikes!
It's only a murder of crows if there's probable caws.
Still funny.
I just broke my guitar.
It's okay, I won't fret
Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They'd crack each other up
What's the longest word in the dictionary?
Smiles. Because there's a mile between the two S's.
What kind of magic do cows believe in?
MOODOO.
What is the tallest building in the world?
The library – it's got the most stories!
People are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow.
Still funny.
What do you get if you cross a turkey with a ghost?
A poultry-geist!
Leather is great for sneaking around because it's made of hide.
Still funny.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup.
Anyone can roast beef, but nobody can pee soup.
Where does Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies.
A quick shoutout to all of the sidewalks out there...
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Coffee has a tough time at my house, every morning it gets mugged.
Still funny.
I was so proud when I finished the puzzle in six months, when on the side it said three to four years.
Still funny.
Where did you learn to make ice cream?
Sunday school.
Guy told me today he did not know what cloning is.
I told him, "that makes 2 of us."
What's blue and not very heavy?
Light blue.
I always wanted to look into why I procrastinate, but I keep putting it off.
Still funny.
What kind of dog lives in a particle accelerator?
A Fermilabrador Retriever.
I saw an ad in a shop window, "Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full", I thought, "I can't turn that down".
Still funny.
A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, 'First offender?
' She says, 'No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!'
How much does a hipster weigh?
An instagram.
The rotation of earth really makes my day.
Still funny.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
Still funny.
Some people say that I never got over my obsession with Phil Collins.
But take a look at me now.
Why did the girl smear peanut butter on the road?
To go with the traffic jam.
Why couldn't the lifeguard save the hippie?
He was too far out, man.
They say Dodger Stadium can hold up to fifty-six thousand people, but that is just a ballpark figure.
Still funny.
What did the piece of bread say to the knife?
Butter me up.
Animal Fact #25:
Most bobcats are not named bob.
Why can't you use "Beef stew" as a password?
Because it's not stroganoff.
I boiled a funny bone last night and had a laughing stock
Still funny.
Have you heard about the owl sanctuary job opening?
It's all night shifts but they're all a hoot over there.
I was going to get a brain transplant, but I changed my mind
Still funny.
Archaeology really is a career in ruins.
Still funny.
Have you ever seen fruit preserves being made?
It's jarring.
I've just been reading a book about anti-gravity, it's impossible to put down!
Still funny.
You can't run through a camp site.
You can only ran, because it's past tents.
They're making a movie about clocks.
It's about time
Why can't eggs have love?
They will break up too soon.
Waking up this morning was an eye-opening experience.
Still funny.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I asked my date to go to the gym the other day.
They never showed up. That's when I knew we wouldn't work out.
You will never guess what Elsa did to the balloon.
She let it go.
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?
It's ok, he woke up.
Why do choirs keep buckets handy?
So they can carry their tune
Just watched a documentary about beavers… It was the best damn program I've ever seen.
Still funny.
My friend told me that pepper is the best seasoning for a roast, but I took it with a grain of salt.
Still funny.
Want to hear a joke about construction?
Nah, I'm still working on it.
I'm reading a book on the history of glue – can't put it down.
Still funny.
what happens when you cross a sheep with a kangaroo ?
A woolly jumper!
Why don't you find hippopotamuses hiding in trees?
They're really good at it.
How do you steal a coat?
You jacket.
I cut my finger cutting cheese.
I know it may be a cheesy story but I feel grate now.
Scientists finally did a study on forks.
It's about tine!
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooooom!
What do computers and air conditioners have in common?
They both become useless when you open windows.
I gave my friend 10 puns hoping that one of them would make him laugh.
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
Still funny.
I tried to write a chemistry joke, but could never get a reaction.
Still funny.
Doctor: Do you want to hear the good news or the bad news?
Patient: Good news please. Doctor: we're naming a disease after you.
what do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?
a labracadabrador
What did one plate say to the other plate?
Dinner is on me!
Why did Dracula lie in the wrong coffin?
He made a grave mistake.
It's difficult to say what my wife does, she sells sea shells by the sea shore.
Still funny.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they take everything literally.
Still funny.
Why doesn't the Chimney-Sweep call out sick from work?
Because he's used to working with a flue.
If I could name myself after any Egyptian god, I'd be Set.
Still funny.
What do bees do after they are married?
They go on a honeymoon.
As I suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
Why did the half blind man fall in the well?
Because he couldn't see that well!
Why are snake races so exciting?
They're always neck and neck.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
Why do valley girls hang out in odd numbered groups?
Because they can't even.
"My Dog has no nose." "How does he smell?
" "Awful"
I was just looking at my ceiling.
Not sure if it's the best ceiling in the world, but it's definitely up there.
What do you call a careful wolf?
Aware wolf.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them!
What kind of bagel can fly?
A plain bagel.
Why are graveyards so noisy?
Because of all the coffin.
which flower is most fierce?
Dandelion
Child: Dad, make me a sandwich.
Dad: Poof! You're a sandwich.
"Dad, I'm cold." "Go stand in the corner, I hear it's 90 degrees."
Still funny.
What does a female snake use for support?
A co-Bra!
Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Because they have nobody to go with.
I just got fired from a florist, apparently I took too many leaves.
Still funny.
I tried to milk a cow today, but was unsuccessful.
Udder failure.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
What do you give a sick lemon?
Lemonaid.
How do hens stay fit?
They always egg-cercise!
Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
Of course. The Empire State Building can't jump.
What do you call a pile of cats?
A Meowtain.
I had a pair of racing snails.
I removed their shells to make them more aerodynamic, but they became sluggish.
Bad at golf?
Join the club.
Two parrots are sitting on a perch.
One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?"
What do you call a dad that has fallen through the ice?
A Popsicle.
What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
BREATH!!
I couldn't figure out how the seat belt worked.
Then it just clicked.
What concert costs only 45 cents?
50 cent featuring Nickelback.
Somebody stole my Microsoft Office and they're going to pay - you have my Word.
Still funny.
I've got this disease where I can't stop making airport puns.
The doctor says it terminal.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?
One is really heavy, the other is a little lighter.
A farmer had 297 cows, when he rounded them up, he found he had 300
Still funny.
I was wondering why the frisbee was getting bigger, then it hit me.
Still funny.
What do you call a bee that lives in America?
A USB.
Why do bananas have to put on sunscreen before they go to the beach?
Because they might peel!
It was raining cats and dogs the other day.
I almost stepped in a poodle.
Why did the tree go to the dentist?
It needed a root canal.
What's a ninja's favorite type of shoes?
Sneakers!
What is the best way to carve?
Whittle by whittle.
Where do bees go to the bathroom?
The BP station.
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down, do you think it's stumped?
Still funny.
Don't trust atoms.
They make up everything.
A magician was driving down the street and then he turned into a driveway.
Still funny.
What do you call a troublesome Canadian high schooler?
A poutine.
Why do bees hum?
Because they don't know the words.
"Dad, do you think it's going to snow this winter?
" "I dont know, its all up in the air"
What did one snowman say to the other snow man?
Do you smell carrot?
What do you get when you cross a bee and a sheep?
A bah-humbug.
Why do bears have hairy coats?
Fur protection.
In my career as a lumberjack I cut down exactly 52,487 trees.
I know because I kept a log.
I considered building the patio by myself.
But I didn't have the stones.
How do you make a water bed more bouncy.
You use Spring Water
Why did the knife dress up in a suit?
Because it wanted to look sharp
My wife said I was immature.
So I told her to get out of my fort.
Where's the bin?
Dad: I haven't been anywhere!
They tried to make a diamond shaped like a duck.
It quacked under the pressure.
What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?
Quacks in the pavement.
Just read a few facts about frogs.
They were ribbiting.
Two satellites decided to get married.
The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.
Why don't sharks eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads "Small medium at large."
What's the difference between a guitar and a fish?
You can tune a guitar but you can't "tuna" fish!
Two muffins were sitting in an oven, and the first looks over to the second, and says, "man, it's really hot in here".
The second looks over at the first with a surprised look, and answers, "WHOA, a talking muffin!"
Every night at 11:
11, I make a wish that someone will come fix my broken clock.
Is there a hole in your shoe?
No… Then how'd you get your foot in it?
Why don't skeletons ride roller coasters?
They don't have the stomach for it.
'Put the cat out' … 'I didn't realize it was on fire
Still funny.
I've been trying to come up with a dad joke about momentum .
. . but I just can't seem to get it going.
What do you call corn that joins the army?
Kernel.
Recent survey revealed 6 out of 7 dwarf's aren't happy.
Still funny.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
My boss told me to attach two pieces of wood together...
I totally nailed it!
I can't take my dog to the pond anymore because the ducks keep attacking him.
That's what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
What musical instrument is found in the bathroom?
A tuba toothpaste.
Me: If humans lose the ability to hear high frequency volumes as they get older, can my 4 week old son hear a dog whistle?
Doctor: No, humans can never hear that high of a frequency no matter what age they are. Me: Trick question... dogs can't whistle.
How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?
Ten-tickles!
I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey, but I turned myself around.
Still funny.
Whenever the cashier at the grocery store asks my dad if he would like the milk in a bag he replies, 'No, just leave it in the carton!'
Still funny.
What kind of tree fits in your hand?
A palm tree!
What's Forest Gump's Facebook password?
1forest1
What has three letters and starts with gas?
A Car.
What kind of dinosaur loves to sleep?
A stega-snore-us.
Whiteboards ...
are remarkable.
Why are mummys scared of vacation?
They're afraid to unwind.
Why should you never trust a pig with a secret?
Because it's bound to squeal.
What did the mountain climber name his son?
Cliff.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane?
They mostly wrap.
What do you call a boy who stopped digging holes?
Douglas.
Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
Because then it'd be a foot!
If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?
Still funny.
I've got a joke about vegetables for you...
but it's a bit corny.
What did the dog say to the two trees?
Bark bark.
A book just fell on my head.
I only have my shelf to blame.
Frankenstein enters a bodybuilding competition and finds he has seriously misunderstood the objective.
Still funny.
What's large, grey, and doesn't matter?
An irrelephant.
I remember when I was a kid, I opened my fridge and noticed one of my vegetables were crying.
I guess I have some emotional cabbage.
What kind of music do mummy's like?
Rap
What did the drummer name her twin daughters?
Anna One, Anna Two...
I'd like to start a diet, but I've got too much on my plate right now.
Still funny.
If at first you don't succeed, sky diving is not for you!
Still funny.
Why do trees seem suspicious on sunny days?
Dunno, they're just a bit shady.
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome.
It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I liked it.
My sister bet me $15 that I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen the look on her face as I drove pasta.
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
Look for fresh prints.
This furniture store keeps emailing me, all I wanted was one night stand!
Still funny.
Why did Mozart kill all his chickens?
Because when he asked them who the best composer was, they'd all say "Bach bach bach!"
I made a belt out of watches once...
It was a waist of time.
When is a door not a door?
When it's ajar.
I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.
Still funny.
What did the late tomato say to the early tomato?
I'll ketch up
Why do cows not have toes?
They lactose!
How do you fix a damaged jack-o-lantern?
You use a pumpkin patch.
What did the beaver say to the tree?
It's been nice gnawing you.
Why is it always hot in the corner of a room?
Because a corner is 90 degrees.
A girl once asked me what my heart desired, apparently blood, oxygen and neural messages were all wrong answers
Still funny.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Never take advice from electrons.
They are always negative.
My pet mouse 'Elvis' died last night.
He was caught in a trap..
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
He was not "peeling" well.
What did Romans use to cut pizza before the rolling cutter was invented?
Lil Caesars
What do you get when you cross a pig and a pineapple?
A porky pine
I got a reversible jacket for Christmas, I can't wait to see how it turns out.
Still funny.
Last night me and my girlfriend watched three DVDs back to back.
Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
When people are sad, I sometimes let them colour in my tattoos.
Sometimes all they need is a shoulder to crayon.
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I'm okay, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
Still funny.
I went to the store to pick up eight cans of sprite...
when I got home I realized I'd only picked seven up
What's the difference between a rooster and a crow?
A rooster can crow but a crow cannot rooster.
Some people eat light bulbs.
They say it's a nice light snack.
Why did the sentence fail the driving test?
It never came to a full stop.
I went to a Foo Fighters Concert once...
It was Everlong...
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don't know and I don't care.
What do you call a snake who builds houses?
A boa constructor!
A police officer caught two kids playing with a firework and a car battery.
He charged one and let the other one off.
Which is the fastest growing city in the world?
Dublin'
Why was the robot angry?
Because someone kept pressing his buttons!
What do you call two guys hanging out by your window?
Kurt & Rod.
How many South Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?
A Brazilian
Conjunctivitis.com – now that's a site for sore eyes.
Still funny.
I once lost a banana at court but then I appealed.
Still funny.
Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That's just how I roll.
What did one wall say to the other wall?
I'll meet you at the corner!
Why did the man run around his bed?
Because he was trying to catch up on his sleep!
What did the traffic light say to the car as it passed?
"Don't look I'm changing!"
My son is studying to be a surgeon, I just hope he makes the cut.
Still funny.
Man, I really love my furniture...
me and my recliner go way back.
It was so cold yesterday my computer froze.
My own fault though, I left too many windows open.
Why couldn't the kid see the pirate movie?
Because it was rated arrr!
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
Why did the kid throw the clock out the window?
He wanted to see time fly!
Do I enjoy making courthouse puns?
Guilty
Why was Pavlov's beard so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
When will the little snake arrive?
I don't know but he won't be long...
Have you heard the story about the magic tractor?
It drove down the road and turned into a field.
Wife: Honey I'm pregnant. Me: Well…. what do we do now?
Wife: Well, I guess we should go to a baby doctor. Me: Hm.. I think I'd be a lot more comfortable going to an adult doctor.
Whoever invented the knock-knock joke should get a no bell prize.
Still funny.
I was fired from the keyboard factory yesterday.
I wasn't putting in enough shifts.
Dad I'm hungry' … 'Hi hungry I'm dad
Still funny.
Did you know that protons have mass?
I didn't even know they were catholic.
What do you do on a remote island?
Try and find the TV island it belongs to.
Why is Peter Pan always flying?
Because he Neverlands.
What did the father tomato say to the baby tomato whilst on a family walk?
Ketchup.
What do you call two barracuda fish?
A Pairacuda!
I'm only familiar with 25 letters in the English language.
I don't know why.
I thought my wife was joking when she said she'd leave me if I didn't stop signing "I'm A Believer"...
Then I saw her face.
Why does a Moon-rock taste better than an Earth-rock?
Because it's a little meteor.
What do you call a female snake.
misssssssss
Slept like a log last night … woke up in the fireplace.
Still funny.
To be Frank, I'd have to change my name.
Still funny.
My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience.
The second time let me down.
What is a centipedes's favorite Beatle song?
I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand...
Why did the kid cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
Why do birds fly south for the winter?
Because it's too far to walk.
I'll tell you what often gets over looked...
garden fences.
What creature is smarter than a talking parrot?
A spelling bee.
Did you hear the joke about the wandering nun?
She was a roman catholic.
Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
A steak pun is a rare medium well done.
Still funny.
Why was it called the dark ages?
Because of all the knights.
"Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?
" "Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels."
How come the stadium got hot after the game?
Because all of the fans left.
I won an argument with a weather forecaster once.
His logic was cloudy...
I knew I shouldn't steal a mixer from work, but it was a whisk I was willing to take.
Still funny.
Dermatologists are always in a hurry.
They spend all day making rash decisions.
Chances are if you' ve seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.
Still funny.
I accidentally took my cats meds last night.
Don't ask meow.
Where do fish keep their money?
In the riverbank
What did one nut say as he chased another nut?
I'm a cashew!
Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because he had no guts.
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off?
He's all right now.
I'm tired of following my dreams.
I'm just going to ask them where they are going and meet up with them later.
What did one plate say to the other?
Lunch is on me.